First World
... pass the caviar tears
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First World
Title: First World Problems
Style prompt for SUNO:
“Quirky 1990s bubblegum pop with female lead vocals, think early Britney meets The Cardigans, bouncy synths, handclaps, talkbox hooks, and cheeky male “ooh-aah” harmonies, 118 BPM, key of C major”
[Instrumental Intro]
[Verse 1 – Female lead]
Woke up this morning, tragedy in my bed
My $5,000 mattress left a kink in my head
Phone’s at one percent, charger’s all the way downstairs
And the Wi-Fi dropped from five hundred to “who cares?”
Alexa ignored me, Nest set to sixty-eight
My oat milk expired on the use-by date
Uber took the long way, added forty-three cents
Guess I’ll just cry into my Lululemon leggings
[Pre-Chorus – Female + male “ooh” harmonies]
Oh no, oh no, life’s so hard when you’re blessed
Got too many passwords swimming in my head
[Chorus – Everyone, big and bouncy]
These are first world problems, baby
First world problems, yeah!
My cold plunge is too cold
And my candle burned weird
First world problems, cry me a river of LaCroix
First world prooooblems! (Hey! Hey!)
[Verse 2 – Female lead]
Starbucks spelled “Kaitlyn” with just one “i”
My $80 serum’s almost saying goodbye
Peloton leaderboard says I’m only rank nine
And my smart fridge is judging this bottle of wine
Package says “out for delivery” since 10 a.m.
Spotify Wrapped exposed my guilty Ed Sheeran
The ice maker’s clinking like it’s throwing a fit
And my bidet’s on “oscillate” when I just want the basic
[Pre-Chorus – Male harmonies get sassy]
Oh no, oh no, tragic luxury
My Tesla’s in “Chill” but I need Plaid speed
[Chorus – Even bigger]
These are first world problems, baby
First world problems, yeah!
My grass-fed filet was a quarter-inch over
My ring light’s too orange
First world problems, pass the caviar tears
First world prooooblems! (Hey! Hey!)
[Instrumental solo]
[Bridge – Half-spoken, valley-girl style over talkbox]
Like, oh my gawd, my houseplants are dying
Even though I spent six hundred on grow lights and crying
My yacht club waitlist is still eighteen months, Karen
Guess I’ll just suffer in Mykonos till then
[Final Chorus – Gang vocals, key change up, pure chaos]
These are first world problems, honey
First world problems, wooo!
My truffle guy ghosted, white season’s delayed
My walk-in closet ate my favorite Balenciaga
First world problems, somebody call the wah-mbulance
First world prooooblems!
[Outro – Fading harmonies + ad-libs]
Somebody call the wah-mbulance…
My wine fridge is one degree off…
Hashtag blessed… hashtag stressed…
First world, first world, first world problems!
[End on a big glittery synth stab and a record-scratch]
Here’s a massive, unapologetic dump of classic (and some painfully specific) first-world problems. You’ve been warned—this list is long, petty, and glorious:
1. Your phone battery is at 1% and the charger is 12 feet away.
2. The Wi-Fi is slow (only 400 Mbps instead of 500).
3. Netflix asks “Are you still watching?” after 3 episodes.
4. Your Uber driver is taking a slightly longer route.
5. Running out of oat milk for your $9 oat-milk latte.
6. The barista spelled your name wrong on the cup (again).
7. Your AirPods case needs charging but both AirPods are dead too.
8. Too many streaming services and you can’t decide what to watch.
9. Your phone storage is full because of 47,000 photos you’ll never look at again.
10. The grocery store is out of your specific brand of sparkling water.
11. Your robot vacuum got stuck under the couch again.
12. Having to wait 30 seconds for your food to reheat in the microwave.
13. Your smart TV remote needs new batteries.
14. The gym is too crowded at 6:03 p.m.
15. Your salad came with onions even though you said “no onions.”
16. Your package says “out for delivery” but it’s 8 p.m. and still not here.
17. Your Spotify Wrapped came out and you have embarrassing taste this year.
18. The coffee shop ran out of the good pastries by the time you got there.
19. Your iPhone update needs 11 GB of free space and you have 10.9 GB.
20. Having to get up to change the temperature on the Nest thermostat.
21. Your favorite YouTuber only uploads once a week now.
22. The hotel pillow is too fluffy or not fluffy enough.
23. Your electric car has 8% battery and the nearest Supercharger is 9 miles away.
24. Your standing desk won’t remember your exact height setting.
25. Too many good snacks in the house and you can’t choose.
26. Your noise-canceling headphones died right as the baby started crying on the plane.
27. The ice maker in your fridge is making weird noises.
28. Your $300 skincare product is almost empty and you’re not ready to repurchase.
29. The restaurant doesn’t have outdoor heating and it’s 68 °F.
30. Your meal kit ingredients arrived but you’re not in the mood to cook.
31. Your smart lights won’t connect to Alexa this morning.
32. You have to wait 3 whole days for the new season to drop.
33. Your Peloton leaderboard name is something embarrassing from 2020.
34. The grocery delivery driver left your bags at the wrong door.
35. Your cold brew tastes slightly more bitter than yesterday.
36. Your Apple Watch didn’t count the last 200 steps of your walk.
37. Your $80 candle burned unevenly.
38. The airport lounge is full and you have to sit in regular seating.
39. Your password manager logged you out and now you have to find the master password.
40. Your fancy pour-over coffee setup takes 7 whole minutes.
41. The new iPhone only has marginally better cameras.
42. Your heated toilet seat wasn’t preheated because you forgot to turn it on.
43. Your fridge water filter needs replacing and the light turned red.
44. Your favorite limited-edition sneaker sold out in 4 seconds.
45. Your work-from-home background looks too “fake” on Zoom.
46. Your organic, grass-fed, dry-aged steak is slightly overcooked.
47. Your bidet has too many settings and you just want the basic one.
48. Your $600 blender’s “smoothie” button doesn’t make it smooth enough.
49. Your flight has 18 inches of legroom instead of 19.
50. Your 401(k) only went up 11% this year.
51. Your ring light makes you look too orange on video calls.
52. Your artisanal sourdough loaf went stale because you forgot to put it in the bread box.
53. Your wine fridge is set to 54 °F instead of 55 °F.
54. Your dog’s custom hypoallergenic food is on backorder.
55. Your $200 houseplants keep dying despite the grow lights and humidity dome.
56. Your Threadless T-shirt from 2012 is finally starting to fade.
57. Your cold plunge tub is too cold (it’s set to 39 °F).
58. Your espresso machine needs descaling again.
59. Your favorite podcast released a bonus episode… but it’s behind a paywall.
60. Your luxury sheets are 1200 thread count instead of 1500.
61. Your Tesla’s “Chill” mode is too chill and “Ludicrous” is too ludicrous.
62. Your home scent diffuser ran out of your signature scent.
63. Your $5,000 mattress still gives you a minor back twinge sometimes.
64. Your rooftop bar reservation got canceled because of “light drizzle.”
65. Your private Pilates instructor is on vacation this week.
66. Your caviar bump came with slightly too much crème fraîche.
67. Your walk-in closet is so big you keep losing things.
68. Your smart mirror’s workout instructor talks too much.
69. Your yacht club’s waitlist is still 18 months long.
70. Your truffle dealer is out of white truffles until next season.
It's so easy in the modern west to complain about the dumbest things. Face it ... most of us do it way too often. When things are good, sometimes too good, we find the dumbest things to bring us down. This song is a light-hearted look at those first world problems...
This is original work is produced by AK Darvinson with a combination of observation, critical thinking, insight, heart, compassion, passion, creativity, and technology. All rights are reserved. Free sharing is encouraged. Commercial use via license only.
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