Festivus '25
Airing grievances, 'bout the pork and the mess, yeah!
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It's interesting to me that this report of absurd waste and abuse of the taxpayer is named after an absurd and uncomfortable Seinfeld episode. I was never a Seinfeld fan though some of what they produced was hilarious.
Rand Paul's eponymous "Festivus Report" annually documents the waste, highlights the horrible, and exposes the fraud. The 2025 version of his report is no less disgusting.
It's sad to see what the "representatives of the people" and the bureaucracy they seems to support do in the name of ... and with the treasure of ... the American People.
Festivus '25
[Verse 1]
Yo, it's December twenty-third, time to air it all out
Rand Paul's got his list, and he's ready to shout
Trillion in interest, we're payin' the debt
While the government's spendin' like they ain't broke yet
[Pre-Chorus]
Ferrets gettin' tipsy, dogs on a coke high
Monkeys playin' games, reachin' for the sky
Beagles full of ticks, no pain relief in sight
Oh what a festive waste, under the pole's cold light
[Chorus]
Festivus '25! For the rest of us, yeah!
Airing grievances, 'bout the pork and the mess, yeah!
Funky bass slappin', while the dollars go poof
Gender care in Guatemala, that's the truth!
Festivus '25! Grab the aluminum pole
Feats of fiscal strength, losin' control!
[Verse 2]
Influencers gettin' paid to push that vax vibe
Forty mil for minorities, keepin' hope alive
Latinx drug parties, EDM saliva test
Obesity phones for kids, Uncle Sam knows best
[Pre-Chorus]
Bats from Wuhan, fetal parts in mice
Electric cars chargin'? Nah, that's overpriced
Migrants gettin' furniture, dolphins trained to fight
A funky trillion wasted, what a quirky delight
[Chorus]
Festivus '25! For the rest of us, yeah!
Airing grievances, 'bout the pork and the mess, yeah!
Funky bass slappin', while the dollars go poof
Insects on the menu, bugs in your soup!
Festivus '25! Grab the aluminum pole
Feats of fiscal strength, losin' control!
[Bridge]
[funky instrumental break, groovy bass solo, wah-wah guitar]
No tinsel distractin', just pure sarcasm flow
Rand's report droppin', stealin' the show
From beagle pups to bird flu fun
We're all gettin' pinned when the wrestlin's done
[Verse 3]
Cartoon climate kids in Pakistan land
Gender activism funded, isn't it grand?
Safe space ambassadors, anti-racism cash
While the debt clock ticks, in a sarcastic flash
[Chorus]
Festivus '25! For the rest of us, yeah!
Airing grievances, 'bout the pork and the mess, yeah!
Funky bass slappin', while the dollars go poof
A miracle of waste, that's the proof!
Festivus '25! Grab the aluminum pole
Feats of fiscal strength, losin' control!
[Outro]
[funky fade out, groovy horns, sarcastic ad-libs]
Happy Festivus, y'all... yeah, the rest of us...
No presents, just problems... funky fresh mess!
It's a Festivus miracle... or nightmare... whatever!
Summary of Rand Paul's 2025 Festivus Report
Rand Paul's 2025 Festivus Report, released on December 23, 2025, is the 11th annual edition critiquing federal government waste, totaling $1,639,135,969,608 in identified wasteful spending. The bulk of this comes from $1.22 trillion in interest payments on the national debt. The report draws from various sources, including investigations by groups like the White Coat Waste Project, and highlights ongoing fiscal irresponsibility across administrations. Below is an expanded overview, incorporating additional examples from the full report beyond the initial summary, organized by major themes for clarity.
Animal and Biomedical Experiments
The report heavily criticizes funding for animal testing and gain-of-function research, totaling hundreds of millions. Examples include:
- Teaching teenage ferrets to binge drink alcohol: Forcing adolescent ferrets to consume alcohol while withholding water, funded by the Department of Veterans Affairs (over $1,079,360).
- Dosing dogs with cocaine: Experiments administering cocaine to dogs, via the National Institutes of Health (NIH) ($5,215,216).
- Monkeys playing a "Price Is Right"-inspired video game: Training rhesus monkeys on a game show-style setup, supported by the National Science Foundation (NSF) and others ($14,643,280).
- Beagle experiments: Infesting beagle puppies with ticks without pain relief, through NIH ($13.8 million).
- Bird flu enhancements in China: Collaborating with the Wuhan Institute of Virology's parent organization to modify bird flu viruses, by the U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) ($1 million).
- Bat coronavirus collection and gain-of-function in Wuhan: Transporting viruses for experiments, via USAID to EcoHealth Alliance ($54 million).
- Human fetal tissue in mice: Implanting aborted fetal tissue into "humanized" mice, funded by the Department of Defense (DOD) ($2,818,462).
Public Health and Social Campaigns
Significant spending on influencer-driven and niche health initiatives is called out, often targeting specific demographics:
- Influencers to reduce drug use in "Latinx" communities: Celebrity campaigns as part of an "innovative multilevel strategy," by HHS ($1.5 million).
- Mobile phone intervention for childhood obesity in Latino families: A "hybrid" program in Los Angeles County, via HHS ($1.9 million).
- COVID-19 vaccine promotion for minorities: Paying influencers to encourage vaccinations, through HHS (over $40 million).
- Surveying drug use at EDM clubs and festivals: Collecting saliva samples and surveys in New York City, funded by HHS to New York University ($2.1 million).
- Screen time effects on parent-child relationships: "Doomscrolling" studies at the University of Michigan, by HHS ($2.9 million).
- STD outreach to niche subcultures: Targeting "bear/cub," "drag queen," and "queer punk rock" scenes in Los Angeles, via HHS ($936,000).
- Trauma and surgery modeling in sub-Saharan Africa: Analysis and modeling outcomes, through HHS ($6.9 million).
- Anti-racism initiatives at universities: Hiring staff, creating "safe space ambassadors," and forming committees at Northwestern University, by HHS ($3.3 million).
Foreign Aid and International Programs
Waste in overseas spending includes cultural and ideological projects:
- Gender-affirming care and activism in Guatemala: Supporting "gender-affirming care" and influence campaigns, via USAID ($2 million).
- Cartoon series on climate change in Pakistan: Producing TV shows to teach kids about fighting climate change, by the U.S. Department of State ($244,252).
- Promoting American media abroad: Funding for films, TV shows, and video games internationally, through the State Department ($1.5 million).
Infrastructure and Large-Scale Projects
Big-ticket items highlight inefficiencies in major federal initiatives:
- Electric vehicle charging stations: Billions allocated but few built, by the Department of Transportation (DOT) ($7.5 billion).
- NASA's delayed space shuttle: Overruns for a program six years behind schedule that stranded astronauts, via NASA ($1.8 billion).
- Migrant support programs: Funding for furniture, car repairs, home down payments, and welfare for illegal immigrants, through HHS ($22.6 billion).
- Dolphin training program: An unnecessary Marine Mammal Program, by DOD (estimated $77 million annually).
Economic and Financial Waste
Criticism extends to monetary policies and relief funds:
- Interest on Reserve Balances (IORB) to banks: Payments including to foreign banks, by the Federal Reserve ($187 billion).
- COVID relief misuse in schools: Spent on luxury hotel rooms, MLB stadium rentals, and ice cream trucks (nearly $200 billion).
Education, Food, and Miscellaneous
Other quirky or ideologically driven expenditures:
- Inclusive vegetable networks: Creating "resilient and equitable" food systems for low-income LGBT people of color in New York City, via USDA ($141,517).
- Video game design challenge for kids: Encouraging children to create games about the future, by NSF ($497,200).
- Promoting insects as human food: Research and programs on bug-based diets, through NSF ($2,494,321).
Preview of Future Waste (2026 Earmarks)
The report teases potential upcoming issues:
- Pediatric gender-affirming care center: At Rady Children’s Hospital in San Diego, facilitating transitions for minors ($2 million earmark).
- Affordable housing in tiny Alaskan town: For South Naknek, Alaska ($2 million earmark).
- Anti-Trump and anti-gas stove advocacy: Supporting rallies and campaigns by Physicians for Social Responsibility in Boston ($700,000 earmark).
The report urges fiscal restraint, noting the national debt's growth to over $36 trillion and calling for reforms like banning earmarks and reducing foreign aid. For the complete document, refer to the official Senate source.
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